The day after
An aftercare written down once, so nobody has to invent it afterwards.
Why it works
Aftercare invented while you are both tired rarely turns out to be what anybody needed. Five things written down in advance, separately, remove the guessing at the point where guessing costs the most. The list is also short enough to follow when nobody can face thinking.
How to do it
- 01
Each write down five things you know help you afterwards: a blanket, something sweet, being held, ten minutes alone, not having to talk. Put the note somewhere it can be found without being remembered.
- 02
Follow the list after every scene, including when it seems unnecessary. No phones, no debriefing, nothing that has to be decided that evening.
- 03
Set a fixed time the next day, a lunch, a walk, to go through it: what worked, what did not, and what should be different next time.
What usually goes wrong
It only gets followed on the occasions when somebody feels bad, and then it is an alarm rather than a habit. Follow it every time. Set a fixed time the next day to go through the scene as well. The same evening every verdict is wrong, in both directions.
The dip usually arrives a day later, and it lands on whoever ran the scene as often as on whoever let go. Agree beforehand who messages whom the following day, and do it even when you are both fine.
More in the same direction
- Medium · Half an hour
The agreement first
The half hour that makes the rest possible.
- Beginner · One hour
The question hour
An evening where you only talk. Nothing has to follow.
- Medium · An evening, and a week after it
The third name
You talk about a third person. Nothing happens.
What you both want.
Twenty questions, answered separately. You see only what you both said yes to.
Take the questionnaireFor adults over 18 only. Intended for two adults in a consenting relationship.