Written down
Your agreements on paper, so they cannot be misremembered.
Why it works
Memory moves agreements in the direction you were hoping for. Paper does not. Filling it in separately removes what otherwise steers conversations like this, which is one of you answering the other's face. It is quicker too, because you only have to talk about the differences.
How to do it
- 01
Write three headings on a sheet: "yes", "maybe, if" and "no". Fill them in separately, in different rooms, without looking.
- 02
Put the two sheets side by side. Talk only about the places where they differ, the rest you already agree on, and it is quicker to skip.
- 03
Write the shared version out clean, and set a date a month away to read it again. A "maybe" moves, and a "no" is allowed to move the other way too.
What usually goes wrong
The paper easily becomes a contract, and it is not one. A yes from it can be turned down the same evening, without explanation. Set a date to read it again as well. Otherwise it sits in a drawer for a year describing two people who no longer exist.
A no on the paper needs no reason, and it is not up for negotiation because it is written. The paper is an aid to memory, not a contract anyone can be held to.
More in the same direction
- Medium · An evening, and a week after it
The third name
You talk about a third person. Nothing happens.
- Advanced · Two evenings and three months
The trial period
An open arrangement with an end date, not a door simply left ajar.
- Medium · Half an hour
The agreement first
The half hour that makes the rest possible.
What you both want.
Twenty questions, answered separately. You see only what you both said yes to.
Take the questionnaireFor adults over 18 only. Intended for two adults in a consenting relationship.